Happiness is wanting what you have

Last year I declared 2006 to be the year of "being happy to be single" not that I am entirely single, but I wanted to get comfortable with my life. It's difficult being with Ray sometimes. It's hard because I am excluded from some events because people generally travel in couples and obviously Ray and I can't do that. Holidays are hard because I can't be with him on those days, though I always receive a thoughtful gift and sometimes a phone call. Some of the relatives that I am closer to know about Ray and have met him, but when the family gathers many relatives don't know him and and so we can't acknowledge his existence. It's lonely sometimes in any gathering your spouse is your "fall back" you God given refuge at a hostile or boring event, he is someone to whom you can go for a quick conversation or reassurance.

People say to me "you're beautiful [an exaggeration] you're intelligent, why would you stay with a married man, you're worth more then that" I've been married, it meant nothing. It did not prevent my husband or me from cheating, when the pastor blessed us it did not heal all the brokenness inside us and allow us to be committed spouses. There are things that I'm still struggling with, like he's going for surgery and I won't be able to be there and talk to the doctors/nurses for him. I know it would be easier for him if I could, I won't be able to see him or take care of him. I worry about things like if he should become seriously ill or die, will it be days before I find out. Will the funeral be over and I won't have gotten to say goodbye?

When women gather and talk about their houses and husbands I cannot join the conversation, and certainly some of the people on the periphery of my life have questioned my sexuality as I am apparently single for a long time. But being a nurse does something to you, at least it did something to me. I am keenly aware the my life could be over at any time. not only that but I could get a life changing diagnosis like breast cancer or multiple sclerosis or 100's of other things and I have taken care of many people who's spouses have left them in a lurch. So I've come to the conclusion that marriage means more to lawyers and court systems then it does to people. I've stopped feeling bad that I don't have a husband, a home of my own and a Volvo. All these are transient, after 7 years with Ray what I'm sure I do have is love, and I realize that I am content. And I am blown away by that feeling.