The virtue of holding a grudge

I've been wanting to blog about forgiveness. To forgive all the people who I think have done me wrong, how do I do that???? I hate these fucking people. They hurt me....ME...imagine??? beautiful, perfect me...such a delicate refined and gentile creature has not put her lovely footprint on the face of this earth before I arrived and these bastards keep fucking with me!!!! Now being the perfect creature that I am I want to forgive all of those who have offended me, because I have been lead to believe that this is what enlightened beings do.

To forgive means (per Mr. Webster) to grant pardon for or remission of an offence...to absolve...TO CEASE TO FEEL RESENTMENT (we will address resentment later) Oh how do I do this???? when I think so highly of my dignity that people keep offending??? It is such a lofty goal, and God in his infinite wisdom gives us the Lord's prayer "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" . Well that kind of throws a monkey wrench in the works, doesn't it???

I am struggling with this because I have some serious shit I have to forgive people for. I am carrying around some feelings that the word hate is barely adequate to cover. I went out into this world pure and innocent like a unicorn. The filthy creatures of this world seeing something beautiful came and tore my throat out, repeatedly (if that is possible). The broken promises, the betrayals were more then I could bear, the only thing stronger then the pain they caused is the hate that has grown in my heart, it protects me and I like that.

And this is the cool thing (if there can be a cool thing with hate) It feels good to hate. Now I am in no way advocating "bad hate" like hating people simply because they're of a particular race/religion/sexual orientation. Oh but it feels good to hate the person who did you wrong!!! If you are a civilized person you can't go out and physically attack the person or his property. But hating them and hoping you get to live to see that bastard get what's coming to them, well I'm having a problem thinking that's wrong.

Because there are enumerable offences committed against me that I cannot retaliate against because it is both illegal and impractical, my only recourse is hate. When I hate someone who I perceived has hurt me I feel good because there is no justice in this world for them and I feel like I am punishing them with my hatred. then I can expand on this good feeling with resentment. "re" is a prefix stuck in front of a word and it means literally "again and again". (Websters) "sentir" is Latin and it means "to feel" . So with my resentment I get to punish the offender with my hatred over and over again.

Isn't it interesting though, the word resent has come to be associated with only negative??? I mean think about it, the word itself is neutral. We could feel good things or bad things over and over. I could have had a beautiful day andI could revisit those beautiful "sentiments", but then I would not call that "resentment". You only have to look at the world today to see that humans are more easily given to hatred. Look at all the Muslims who hate America because of real and perceived wrongs. Hate is indeed very real and powerful, and must have great rewards to perpetuate itself so.

So....how do I forgive??? How do I begin to want to forgive? Why is it OK for people to hurt me, and if it's not OK, how do I hold them accountable with out having negative feelings toward them??? How do I look at that person and not feel the pain over and over??? I have no idea really, but I promise I will continue to try.