The church of higher education

I used to go to church, even when I was a girl I would make my mother drop me off there and I would spend the day. I would go to Sunday school then stay for choir practice then attend services. I had a white king James version Bible given to me by my grandmother which I would bring with me I still have it, along with about 6 other bibles which I have collected or inherited over the years. They all sit in my book case gathering dust, gently admonishing me to straighten out my life, their pleas falling on deaf ears.

My life with respect to religious belief has been interesting as I grew up in a very diverse neighborhood and while we were culturally christian we weren't militant in the belief that our way was the only way. My best friend and next door neighbor was one of Jehovah's witnesses, the kid across the street was Jewish, most of my friends were Catholic, my father's business associate was Greek orthodox, my great grandmother was a born again christian and we were Lutheran. I attended services with all of them, I wanted to because I was hunting for God.

As I have gotten older my search for God has become more subtle. I have stopped looking for the formula, the "right religion, the right prayers" to get God to hear me and grant my desires. It seems so silly to me that I lived my life like that for so long, if my prayer is pleasing to God I will prosper, if my prayer is pleasing to God my daughter will be kept from harm. I turn on the t.v. daily and see people holier then me by far being wiped out by natural disasters, see distraught parents burying beautiful children taken from them senselessly.

I used to like to go sit quietly in front of the tabernacle in church, in front of the consecrated host, Jesus himself and pray. I had a little blue prayer book and I would recite all of these prayers, I would do a rosary and then I would thank God for all that was good in my life, then I'd ask a few small favors. One day I looked at the tabernacle and got so irate, in my mind I started berating God, how dare you stay locked safely in that box while we suffer out here? Why do you think you are so special giving your only begotten son when you are God??? So many human mother's and father's have given their only begotten sons and daughters. These human children have suffered physical fates worse then Jesus' death in some cases I'm thinking of Jessica Lundsford snatched from her bed raped and buried alive clutching a stuffed animal.

Where is this God, who allegedly created us this way? Are we created in his image? Why is it blasphemy to ask such questions? If God created us so poorly that the very first humans who were allegedly closer to perfection and had direct communication with him succumbed to temptation where does that leave us today?

These are stressful times to live in, war, climate changes, pedophiles with their own constitutionally protected web sites extolling the virtues of love for "lg's" little girls, but I am here now and I am glad. I look around me at the sheer beauty not just of the visible world but of atoms and molecules, of mathematical equations and of the people who generation after generation keep doggedly pursuing answers to questions, and I am filled with awe. I have come to believe that the real root of all evil is ignorance. The only thing that gives me hope is the small opportunity I have in this world to eradicate it, and to that end I have recently joined a new church, the church of higher education. Wish me luck as I embark on this next part of my journey.