This is not how my life was suppose to be!!!! I was suppose to get married out of high school to an ambitious, loving, considerate man who wanted to spend the rest of his natural life figuring out creative ways to make me happy. That's not how it worked out!!!
Look, I was going to quit smoking 10 years earlier then I did, I was going to join the gym and do yoga and pilates, I was going to get multiple degrees in nursing and biology and I was going to join the peace corps and save babies in third world countries. After I did that I was going to join greenpeace and ride the "rainbow" warrior and risk my life to save endangered species...after that I was going to meet the man of my dreams who would provide me and our precious, perfect offspring with every amenity known to man and then some.
I was suppose to have a Volvo, with onstar!!! ( do they make those???) and have a house in an upscale safe neighborhood, where it would be fine to send the kids to public school, but we'd send them to private school anyway 'cause the education was better. and after my interesting "career" I would contentedly settle down to raise my perfect children. I was suppose to have the money to buy organic food at the health food store, and I was going to rinse off all the organic produce with bottled water and then cook and prepare my own baby food, of course I'd have nursed all those perfect children until their 1st birthdays when they would wean themselves to expensive sippy cups filled with organic juice.
Oh and TV... there wasn't suppose to be any TV in my house, we were going to dust that evil thing off once in a great while when it was raining outside, and only then to watch PBS. We were going to be a fit family who enjoyed bike rides together, and swimming and of course sailing. We were going to be naturally fit and vibrantly healthy. Oh and sweet!!! we were going to be sweet... the kind of sweet you want to kill. So beautiful and content and financially secure that we just radiated happiness. All of our investments were timed perfectly and we were going to retire early allowing us to sit on boards of prestigious organizations, who's galas we would attend regularly.
Our perfect children were going to be fought over regularly by both sets of their loving grandparents ( who lived in remote locations from us :-) and their grandparents were going to take them to exotic countries once a year. The children being perfect would never have been spoiled by these luxuries but rather enriched by them, and were to have grown perfect young adults, who had a broad understanding and great love of the world they lived in, and had a tremendous focus and resolve to positively contribute to the world. They would have taken their large trust funds and attended ivy league colleges where they received perfect grades.
That's not of course what has happened in my life, it is what I desperately wanted though. I don't think about it to much anymore (I'm to busy with my actual life) But it's always there in the background like a shining city just out of reach. I can't let myself dwell on it to deeply, because as the days pass with out realizing these dreams it's like a little piece of me dies.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
endometrial ablation
It seems like there's no time for anything...no time to clean the house, shop, cook, to study... you get the idea right??? Did you hear the one about the nurse?? (credit to Deb T) a nurse washed up on shore, how did they know she was a nurse??? her bladder was full her stomach was empty and her ass was chewed up...it's soooo true, there is just no time for anything, not even for the most basic of bodily functions, which brings me to the endometrial ablation.
you know I got my period on my 13th birthday, it was late all the neighborhood girls had theirs already and my mother was ready to take me to the endocrinologist. To my horror my mother called everyone we knew to announce that I was "a woman now" Of course I wasn't, I was an embarrassed adolescent trying to figure out how to ride my bicycle with one of my mothers super plus overnight pads under my shorts, serious overkill for the scant brown trickle between my legs.
My period always lasted for 10 days and on a 28 day cycle that barely gave my privates time to breathe, but what can you do, that's life. I tried to embrace my period, really I did. I read a book called "her blood is gold" and "when God was a woman" but I live in a world where I literally don't have time to eat or pee, changing rags hourly during peri menopause was difficult to work into my schedule. I could go into a few gross stories of "flooding disasters" which women all over could relate to, but I just can't get my fingers to type the words.
so after awhile I learned to use tampons, with the super plus pads, to buy myself time between changes, then I tried hormones, then a D&C..none of which came close to solving the problem. because of my age I declined to use birth control pills, I want a stroke cause I'm inconvenienced by my period?? Which brought me to the "ablation". What does ablation mean anyway??? Sounds like to destroy, decimate, obliterate...I will have to look it up to see if I'm right, such an ugly word...
I think of the poor innocent lining of my uterus, fluffing up ready to receive life, month after month faithfully for the past 27 years, though I've only asked it to do so once. The lovely thought of the connection to all my ancestors through the blood in my veins, and my womb. I picture how it was in there like a fertile valley lush with life, and I blew it all away, scalded it, sterilized it, because it inconvenienced me, and I feel guilty. I wonder if the ablation works, and I never bleed again, how disconnected will it feel to be "PMS" and not bleed?
I was terrified of it though too, of the thought of bleeding for another 15 years, terrified at the possibility of having another child, especially that, being a single mother has been an experience I cannot repeat and live through, and I'd always feel like a single mother because I don't think I would ever feel secure enough in a relationship. So I feel like I have made the right decision now incase I meet a man in the future and feel the primal burning desire to "give him a child". I can't.
I had my period for 27 years, 12 times a year, minus the 9 or ten months I was pregnant, that's somewhere around 314 times. At 10 days a period that's 3,140 days bleeding, 75,360 hours bleeding. Countless boxes of super plus tampons, countless rolls or toilet paper to wrap them. 3,140 days of wearing black pants just in case, of trying to discretely check my ass in the car window before going into anyplace. A long time.
I'm not sure how I'll end up feeling about the whole experience in the long run, but right now I'm left with sort of a sad empty feeling, like saying goodbye to an old friend, but it's a friend who I sent away.
you know I got my period on my 13th birthday, it was late all the neighborhood girls had theirs already and my mother was ready to take me to the endocrinologist. To my horror my mother called everyone we knew to announce that I was "a woman now" Of course I wasn't, I was an embarrassed adolescent trying to figure out how to ride my bicycle with one of my mothers super plus overnight pads under my shorts, serious overkill for the scant brown trickle between my legs.
My period always lasted for 10 days and on a 28 day cycle that barely gave my privates time to breathe, but what can you do, that's life. I tried to embrace my period, really I did. I read a book called "her blood is gold" and "when God was a woman" but I live in a world where I literally don't have time to eat or pee, changing rags hourly during peri menopause was difficult to work into my schedule. I could go into a few gross stories of "flooding disasters" which women all over could relate to, but I just can't get my fingers to type the words.
so after awhile I learned to use tampons, with the super plus pads, to buy myself time between changes, then I tried hormones, then a D&C..none of which came close to solving the problem. because of my age I declined to use birth control pills, I want a stroke cause I'm inconvenienced by my period?? Which brought me to the "ablation". What does ablation mean anyway??? Sounds like to destroy, decimate, obliterate...I will have to look it up to see if I'm right, such an ugly word...
I think of the poor innocent lining of my uterus, fluffing up ready to receive life, month after month faithfully for the past 27 years, though I've only asked it to do so once. The lovely thought of the connection to all my ancestors through the blood in my veins, and my womb. I picture how it was in there like a fertile valley lush with life, and I blew it all away, scalded it, sterilized it, because it inconvenienced me, and I feel guilty. I wonder if the ablation works, and I never bleed again, how disconnected will it feel to be "PMS" and not bleed?
I was terrified of it though too, of the thought of bleeding for another 15 years, terrified at the possibility of having another child, especially that, being a single mother has been an experience I cannot repeat and live through, and I'd always feel like a single mother because I don't think I would ever feel secure enough in a relationship. So I feel like I have made the right decision now incase I meet a man in the future and feel the primal burning desire to "give him a child". I can't.
I had my period for 27 years, 12 times a year, minus the 9 or ten months I was pregnant, that's somewhere around 314 times. At 10 days a period that's 3,140 days bleeding, 75,360 hours bleeding. Countless boxes of super plus tampons, countless rolls or toilet paper to wrap them. 3,140 days of wearing black pants just in case, of trying to discretely check my ass in the car window before going into anyplace. A long time.
I'm not sure how I'll end up feeling about the whole experience in the long run, but right now I'm left with sort of a sad empty feeling, like saying goodbye to an old friend, but it's a friend who I sent away.
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