Envy

This is not how my life was suppose to be!!!! I was suppose to get married out of high school to an ambitious, loving, considerate man who wanted to spend the rest of his natural life figuring out creative ways to make me happy. That's not how it worked out!!!

Look, I was going to quit smoking 10 years earlier then I did, I was going to join the gym and do yoga and pilates, I was going to get multiple degrees in nursing and biology and I was going to join the peace corps and save babies in third world countries. After I did that I was going to join greenpeace and ride the "rainbow" warrior and risk my life to save endangered species...after that I was going to meet the man of my dreams who would provide me and our precious, perfect offspring with every amenity known to man and then some.

I was suppose to have a Volvo, with onstar!!! ( do they make those???) and have a house in an upscale safe neighborhood, where it would be fine to send the kids to public school, but we'd send them to private school anyway 'cause the education was better. and after my interesting "career" I would contentedly settle down to raise my perfect children. I was suppose to have the money to buy organic food at the health food store, and I was going to rinse off all the organic produce with bottled water and then cook and prepare my own baby food, of course I'd have nursed all those perfect children until their 1st birthdays when they would wean themselves to expensive sippy cups filled with organic juice.

Oh and TV... there wasn't suppose to be any TV in my house, we were going to dust that evil thing off once in a great while when it was raining outside, and only then to watch PBS. We were going to be a fit family who enjoyed bike rides together, and swimming and of course sailing. We were going to be naturally fit and vibrantly healthy. Oh and sweet!!! we were going to be sweet... the kind of sweet you want to kill. So beautiful and content and financially secure that we just radiated happiness. All of our investments were timed perfectly and we were going to retire early allowing us to sit on boards of prestigious organizations, who's galas we would attend regularly.

Our perfect children were going to be fought over regularly by both sets of their loving grandparents ( who lived in remote locations from us :-) and their grandparents were going to take them to exotic countries once a year. The children being perfect would never have been spoiled by these luxuries but rather enriched by them, and were to have grown perfect young adults, who had a broad understanding and great love of the world they lived in, and had a tremendous focus and resolve to positively contribute to the world. They would have taken their large trust funds and attended ivy league colleges where they received perfect grades.

That's not of course what has happened in my life, it is what I desperately wanted though. I don't think about it to much anymore (I'm to busy with my actual life) But it's always there in the background like a shining city just out of reach. I can't let myself dwell on it to deeply, because as the days pass with out realizing these dreams it's like a little piece of me dies.