the gynecologist

The other day I had a gynecologist appointment, I arrived to a waiting room which looked like it hadn't been decorated since 1984. The dirt/khaki color rug next to the tacky mauve floral print wall paper accented with a dusty faux palm tree. The lights were dim, perhaps to save on the electric bill or perhaps to hide the ugliness of the office. The staff greeted me with a hearty "we need to make a copy of your insurance card". I sat in the office surrounded by motherhood magazine...eeewwww as if I'm remotely interested in pregnancy @ this stage of my life. So I watched some morning talk show with a staff member who came out to hand me my insurance card and became enthralled with the show as she dangled my card just out of my reach. I was then called in to the exam room by a sweet young lady who never did introduce herself to me, there she took my blood pressure and gave me the usual paper garments with the instructions to put it on with the opening in the back. And there I sat... in the cold as my toes turned blue listening to the muffled tones of the staff talking and laughing outside the door for what felt like an eternity until the Doctor came in...He spent probably 5 minutes with me and I left with a prescription for a sonogram a surgical referral and a vague feeling that he didn't hear a word I said.

Later that day I had an appointment for a haircut and as a treat I decided I'd get a facial as well. upon entering the salon I was greeted with a friendly " Hi, Lisa". I was asked to please take a seat until my stylist was available, I was offered a beverage and a snack and there was better reading material available. As I was getting my hair cut a young lady came over and introduced herself to me and told me she'd be doing my facial. when my haircut was finished she led me to a quiet room gave me a soft robe to put on, I was instructed to lie on the table with my head on a pillow and she then wrapped me up in blankets and put a towel on my head. She covered my eyes with a cloth so the light would not bother me as I tried to relax and then she engaged in pleasant small talk as well as keeping me informed about what she was doing so I wouldn't be taken by surprise.

lying on that table just short hours after my gyn visit got me to thinking about the vast differences in those two experiences. I'm kind of speechless actually. It's my own fault for thinking so low of myself to stay with a doctor who specializes in women's health and yet so obviously knows nothing about the needs of the population whom he serves. I had an epiphany during the facial... I am worthy of an experience which preserves my dignity, an experience which leaves me feeling respected and validated...not empty and violated... I'm in the market for a new gynecologists...I will be printing this out and sending it to the old gynecologists in hopes that he will clean up his act...

stuff of my own

What does it mean to own something??? I have been told recently that I don't feel worthy of having anything of my own...I've been ruminating on this for months. At first it upset me and I set about making plans to aquire some of those things that I apparently don't feel worthy of, namely a husband and a home.

Regarding the husband I got to thinking, I do miss the second income, and the freedom the extra money provides...However I do not miss the extra cooking cleaning laundry and conflict. When I was married there always seemed to be what he wanted vs what I wanted and it felt like we both ended up loosers... Of course what he wanted was someone content to eat on a 20$ a week budget...and live in a 1 bedroom apartment for the rest of her life...but I digress...

So can you really have a husband of your "own"??? my husband had a child with another women befor he met me she was married and wouldn't leave her husband for him (BECAUSE HE WAS TOO BROKE) but he never got over her it was that whole forbidden fruit thing...so she had a husband and he had a wife and they had eachother so what does it mean to have someone of your "own".

what about a house??? what about all those poor people who were wiped out by Katrina?? They worked hard all their lives they had insurance and they had a place of their "own". Had a place, now they have memories and heartache. what about people who "owned" houses but got sick and lost the ability to pay for them...now they don't have anything either...and why do I want a house of my "own"??? I would be spending upwards of 60% of my current income for a very small place which I wouldn't be able to decorate the way I wanted or maintain properly with out working a second job...and if I worked a second job I wouldn't be home to enjoy the house...you see I could go on and on...and then there's eminent domain to worry about....


I keep going back to this...do we ever really know a person??? do we ever really know ourselves as a matter of fact??? and If we don't fully know ourselves ('cause we busy ourselves with the pursuit of owning stuff) how can we fully know another?? We pick a person with whom we think we share things in common with whether it's values or hobbies or church and then we build a "relationship" around that. We show different facets of ourselves to our significant other and if they like it (positive reinforcement) we add more of that and if they don't we hide it. Sometimes this is insignificant but other times burying part of your personality has bad implications...life is hard enough...why do I want to complicate it with someone of my "own"??

values change subtly from age to age, and even the most objective and learned amongst us cannot help but be influenced by the culture we all find ourselves immersed in. Do we seek to aquire things simply because "that's just what you do"?? It gives us something in common with our fellow man and thus satisfies that primal need for belonging??? Ultimatly we end up alone 6 feet underground, our home a small pine box..