stuff of my own

What does it mean to own something??? I have been told recently that I don't feel worthy of having anything of my own...I've been ruminating on this for months. At first it upset me and I set about making plans to aquire some of those things that I apparently don't feel worthy of, namely a husband and a home.

Regarding the husband I got to thinking, I do miss the second income, and the freedom the extra money provides...However I do not miss the extra cooking cleaning laundry and conflict. When I was married there always seemed to be what he wanted vs what I wanted and it felt like we both ended up loosers... Of course what he wanted was someone content to eat on a 20$ a week budget...and live in a 1 bedroom apartment for the rest of her life...but I digress...

So can you really have a husband of your "own"??? my husband had a child with another women befor he met me she was married and wouldn't leave her husband for him (BECAUSE HE WAS TOO BROKE) but he never got over her it was that whole forbidden fruit thing...so she had a husband and he had a wife and they had eachother so what does it mean to have someone of your "own".

what about a house??? what about all those poor people who were wiped out by Katrina?? They worked hard all their lives they had insurance and they had a place of their "own". Had a place, now they have memories and heartache. what about people who "owned" houses but got sick and lost the ability to pay for them...now they don't have anything either...and why do I want a house of my "own"??? I would be spending upwards of 60% of my current income for a very small place which I wouldn't be able to decorate the way I wanted or maintain properly with out working a second job...and if I worked a second job I wouldn't be home to enjoy the house...you see I could go on and on...and then there's eminent domain to worry about....


I keep going back to this...do we ever really know a person??? do we ever really know ourselves as a matter of fact??? and If we don't fully know ourselves ('cause we busy ourselves with the pursuit of owning stuff) how can we fully know another?? We pick a person with whom we think we share things in common with whether it's values or hobbies or church and then we build a "relationship" around that. We show different facets of ourselves to our significant other and if they like it (positive reinforcement) we add more of that and if they don't we hide it. Sometimes this is insignificant but other times burying part of your personality has bad implications...life is hard enough...why do I want to complicate it with someone of my "own"??

values change subtly from age to age, and even the most objective and learned amongst us cannot help but be influenced by the culture we all find ourselves immersed in. Do we seek to aquire things simply because "that's just what you do"?? It gives us something in common with our fellow man and thus satisfies that primal need for belonging??? Ultimatly we end up alone 6 feet underground, our home a small pine box..