Laura's wedding

I went to a neighbors wedding yesterday, she is my age and it was her second marriage. It was beautiful... in her sisters backyard, casual but elegant. As I walked into the back yard where the ceremony was to take place my eyes were drawn to this ENORMOUS woman... this was not just pleasingly plump...this was the Venus of Willendorf with feet...You know I go to these functions alone 'cause Ray is married and I'm looking at this formidable woman thinking to myself I bet she's got a date...and lo and behold she was being followed by this skinny short man who was not only her date but live in lover as well...

Once I got my bearings I remembered that I knew them both, graciously they adopted their single acquaintance to their table. Eventually things settled down and the ceremony began. The minister said some lovely words about marriage everyone welled up with tears. Everyone including me, I guess we cry for different reasons. When I was married to my ex and I attended weddings I cried 'cause I'd listen to the vows and know that I'd married the wrong person. Yesterday I listened to the vows and cried 'cause the right person is married to someone else. Of course marriage changes people, and I also wonder how marriage would change us. I like to think that because we're older 41 and 55, that we'd be immune to the pitfalls that younger people fall into, but I wonder if marriage is somehow a recipe for disaster.

I think the wedding vows suck and that the problem starts there. Vows should go something like this:
I think I know who you are, and based on this I choose to enter more deeply into a relationship with you.
Today in front of God, family and friends I promise to love you, to treat your heart and soul gently as I would have my own treated. I promise to continue to get to know you daily, to speak with you to make love with you. And as I get to know you I promise to help you achieve your dreams and goals, and to daily remember this precious fragile ephemeral love which is between us and nurture it. This is the center of the world for us, it is to this we retreat at the end of the day and from which we emerge renewed and refreshed into the world. When we keep our love strong we can go forth clear headed and confident to face the challenges of life.

I think a big problem with marriage is that there is no escape clause. the vows should not end untill death do us part, they should end with something like I swear to do my level best with you and I expect the same from you. I will keep myself healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually and I expect the same from you. I will not suffer you to watch my abuse and neglect myself because I know you love me and I know you will do the same for me. I promise you today that I will strive to be part of the soloution not the source of any problems for us and I expect the same of you. I swear to you today that I will do everything in my power for as long as I can to nurture and grow our love and our life. But I would not condemn you to a life of suffering with me if I do not uphold my end of the agreement and I say to you today infront of God and these witnesses I will not stay with you if you do not hold up your end of this marriage. Isn't that better????

Well anyway the wedding was wonderful, the kids swam in the pool next door...the men lit off fireworks in the driveway, and the bride and groom wound their way slowly and happily through their guests. These two have come through a lot collectively, they know what they have in each other, it was beautiful to see and I feel privileged to have shared their wedding day with them.